Entry 30.9.2012

Rajin pulak aku update blog skrng nie.. Maybe sbb life dh terlalu bosan kot? Ntah lah wei..

Rabu nie ada interview utk kerja baru, hopefully bole la dpt basic rm 3k at least, tp x bole hrp sngt gak, sbb experience yg ada skrng x berbaloi utk dpt Rm 3k.. maybe more? ntah la.. kena fikir kluar dr kotak minda yg sedia ada kot baru bole success.. tp gaji bawah rm 3k mmng x mampu nak menyimpan.. suma harga mahal.. langkah2 nak cope is mcm hari ahad xyah kuar enjoy, memerap dlm bilik.. selamat duit tp selamat tinggal kehidupan.. harus lupakan naluri bosan buat sementara.. hahahaha
skrng mcm sudah hampir gila..

Tekanan hidup makin meningkat

Umur dh nak masuk 30, still x kukuh lagi kewangan, nak kumpul duit pon gagal.. skrng terpaksa tinggalkan muzik kejap, sbb nak kumpul duit utk sara adik2, n kahwin? haha.. ssh tu..

Zaman skrng ada ijazah pon x menjamin masa depan lagi.. lebih kepada pembuangan masa? Ilmu yg dapat pon x dpt tambah value utk dpt kerja lagi bagus.. rugi masa muda aku je masuk Universiti..

Living alone jauh dr famili mmng bnyk kekuatan diperlukan n financial kena tough.. Biar aku kirim duit ke famili, bukan famili kirim duit kat aku.. itu satu perjuangan aku kat cne.. sbb itu kepada bakal majikan: Boleh x bagi aku gaji rm 3k n ke atas? Don't worry, aku x guna duit itu untuk enjoy pon.. aku bnyk tnggungjawab dh.. Enjoy tu utk budak2 kaya.. org miskin mcm aku mana layak enjoy.. Bermimpi bole la.. Kena tukar impian dr jd pemuzik ke impian jd org kaya supaya bole tolong org2 yg aku sayang

Kepada gf, sorry to make u wait.. i wish i can marry u n we live together.. tp Life is so cruel.. Adat dh la menyusahkan.. agama ntah la, macam topeng je dh.. Masyarakat kt nie sakit tenat.. x dpt ubat.. How I wish I was rich so that I can marry you darling, Raise a kid tgether.. build a happy family.. But selaku org miskin, aku hanya mampu bermimpi

Kepada org yg baca, terbaca post ini, kalo rasa annoying, sorry la.. maybe suma akan panggil aku losers sbb entry nie, tp aku x peduli.. Tulis suma tekanan hidup aku kat cne menenangkan jiwa aku.. haha

kalo dulu slalu gak aku berdoa, tp aku gagal untuk merasa kehadiran Tuhan, jd aku berhenti berdoa n lebihkan berusaha.. Aku hidup SEORANG DIRI.. kalo sakit kena hantar diri sendiri g hospital jd kena make sure tiada masalah mcm tu jd.. Kena jg diri sendiri.. Planning 5 steps ahead before doing something

Skrng nie aku harus kuburkan hasrat utk jd pemuzik, multi talented bole main macam2 alat muzik tp bakat tu x bole bg aku duit utk hidup.. utk trus hidup, harus tinggalkan impian aku.. What left of me? aku pon x tau sbb kenapa aku nak trus hidup.. utk Diyana n my Family.. the only thing left for me now.. The reasons for me to live is u, Diyana & My Family.. Love U so much..

Kini badan dh kurang sehat, tekanan darah pun dh tinggi.. risiko utk dpt sakit jantung dh ada.. Doktor pun dh warning.. tp life aku mmng terok kot.. nak jg makanan pon payah.. duit x cukup utk create gaya hidup yg sehat.. haha.. Apa pon x bole bila duit x ada..

Kecewa sngt2 dngn hidup

2012 dan seterus nya...

Lama dh x update blog

Malas, malas, malas dan dh terbukti dngn saiz baju yang dh 'mengecil'
Hahaha

2012 adalah tahun yang agak teruk bagi aku, dah bulan 9 dh
Hopefully nasib akan jadi lebih baik hujung tahun nie

Kehidupan selaku jurutera tapak yang agak bosan dengan gaji yang ciput, terima kasih kepada pengarah syarikat sebab kurung aku dalam penjara kemiskinan. Serius, aku tak bangga langsung dengan ijazah dan karier aku selaku JURUTERA AWAM. Sebab simple je, gaji x setimpal dengan susah payah aku study dulu... Bersyukur gak la sbb dpt kerja dapat makan minum, tmpt tinggal walaupun standard GENERAL WORKER je..

Bila gaji dh ciput, efek kat band2 aku, family aku, gf aku?

Nak rekod, nak perform bersepah mmng dh x dpt sngt la, suma pon nak free, dpt show berbayar tu mmng Once in a Blue Moon punya level dh, nak bertahan tu aku bkn anak org kaya,

Untuk next month, aku dh x dpt nak jam jauh2 dah.. Sorry STS, n AfterLife
Aku dh cecah limit aku dh.. Financial mmng dh x mengizinkan
Aku nak kena tanggung adik2 aku dh skrng.. dulu aku boleh abaikan je, teruk btol
mcm Tanggang dh.. aku nak REDEFINE life aku skali lagi

WITHOUT MONEY, YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS TO ENJOY LIVING AS A PERSON

Lepas nie mmng jd robot daa, hobi2 letak tepi sbb dh xde bajet
Duit cukup2 utk survival diri je (lepas tolak responsibility bill)

For those yang baca post nie, terima kasih
TERUSKAN HIDUP ANDA YEAH!!

Perjalanan Seni untuk tahun 2011

Salam sejahtera (sounds formal? XD)

So many things happen this year. At least better than my previous years during my studies at UiTM.

1. I quit my metal band, Halun & my gothic acoustic band, Shadowed Grace.
2. Recording new songs with my Alternative Rock band, Stringthesizers and completing the new EP, Teorilusi
3. Joining Nu Metal/Alternative Metal band AfterLife
4. Arranging songs for my project band, Pheradyte
5. Jamming as a bassist for band BitterTaste, short term heavy metal/rock band.
6. Joining UOX Battle of the Band with Stringthesizers

hmm, quite a lot of bands but at this moment, there are two bands remain - Stringthesizers & AfterLife. I enjoy jam with them, write songs with them - such a exciting moment. Hahaha. I can utilize my vocal capability to the maximum with AfterLife - scream, growl, shriek, falsetto, vibrato, high-pitched heavy metal scream and many more - expanding my vocal range as well. With Stringthesizers, I enjoy the teamwork. I didn't writing songs alone, and their ideas are great as well. Haha.

It's getting tougher to get a performance or show. But we never give up then. Too many obstructions before we can get to the top and I wish I will live to see that. Longer lifetime span, I guess?

The new EP, Teorilusi. I put a trust on it to break the wall. Malaysia has a terrible music listeners. Can do nothing about that. But with this EP, we hope to change something. Not to our future only, but to the listener's mindset. Nevermind. I don't really care of what happening after this. But I will continue on this path. As a musician with a bad life style. Sad life? Hahahaha.. I enjoy the suffering.

Hello Again!!

it's been so long that I haven't update my blog.. Last year? hahahaha..

I can't listen to metal music. All that shrieking and growling. Disgusts me. The image, the spike, the leather and dark image. It piss me off to see that.

I will continue my musical journal, but not as a metaller. A little bit on hard rock and metal maybe ok.

Alternative Rock, Erhu Rock,you can name it whatever you want. Anything buy metal. That's it.

Ceylon, Ceylon

Ceylon, Ceylon
Here I come carrying my despair
Saving my future from physical hopelessness
My passion is torn
Again

Ceylon, Ceylon
Here I come providing a physical modernization
Sacrificing my needs for beautiful music
My heart's soul is torn
Again

I wonder will there be a smile
Carved upon my face
As I strum the guitar alone
And bowing my violin
At the abyss of Ceylon

WITHERED HAPPINESS

WITHERED HAPPINESS
2.10.2010

My happiness is withered
But her happiness remains in blossom
Keep it that way darling
That’s all I can wish for myself

My happiness is withered
And I’m tired to rebuild it
Make her happy is my only dream
That’s all I can do for myself

She wants me to be contented
That’s a difficult request
Her past tear my joy off my heart

She wants me to be contented
That’s impossible now
But don’t blame yourself
It’s not your fault anymore

I don’t need happiness anymore
My life belongs to her

Pulling a smile
Throw laughter
As it’s the only way to tell her I’m “glad”
This will remain a secret
Unfold to anybody
Endure the pain alone
Till my last breath

Her past tear my joy off my heart
Leaving her tear my life from my core
Withered happiness is mine
That’s all I have for this life

Between Talent and Reality

Yesterday I've just got back from interview for the site engineer post at Keller(M). Very interesting job. Great salary as well. Unfortunately, my passion is not there. Not in the engineering world. It's written all over my face. I think the interviewer also can see it. I wish I can pull out that face again - hypocrisy. I'm used to it before, showing my willingness to work as an engineer. Even the passion, I fake it well. But this time, I've failed.

Now I'm waiting for miracles. Hopefully I can get that job. But the reality always slap me from the dream.

"MUSIC CAN'T MAKE MONEY NO MATTER HOW TALENTED I AM AND TO LIVE WE NEED MONEY."

I don't have the network. To rebuild them from nothing takes time and I'm running out of time. I don't have enough money to support me as a musician if I quit my current job as a site engineer. To continue my work as a site engineer, I must swallow this fact:

"BEING A SITE ENGINEER MEANS YOU WILL NOT STAY AT ONE PLACE FOR A LONG TIME"

If I can't stay at one place for a long time that means I can't join a music band seriously. Musician and Site Engineer. These two jobs contradict so much I want to cry.

I guess I have to choose again. Goodbye my musical career. I have to choose engineering field again. I've never lived my Heaven and it will never be real.
I can play any instruments? Fuck that. It won't help me to survive in this cruel world. Fuck that fact. So fucked up.