Musafir Part 1

New journey. Pilgrimage. A journey to clear my mind from all the past and present.
A journey to improve my life to a better stature.
I wonder what happen so far in my life, I gain experience both as musician and civil engineer, meets a lot of people, making friends and enemies.
And at this point of life, I look back to myself and I realize I'm not moving anywhere.

If my life is like the drama, I guess the plot is horrible, too many confusions everywhere, and the dialogs are not in place. As the plot writer, director and sole actor, I need to scrap down the script and make revision to it. A MAJOR Revision.
Rewrite from the scratch if needed. Sacrifice more time and enjoy the years of NORMAL life to rewrite it. Fine, I'm done with that.

I used to be rebellious. And that nature will not change but shaped with determination and plan. A proper plan. I believe life is more than just growing up as adult, getting a good job, build a great family and retirement in comfort zone. I rebel against this sequences of life. But where is the source of these rebellious factors come from? My belief, perhaps? I told my musician friend I quit music, but how long that statement will remain true? I guess two months? Haha, even now I'm thinking of buying a music recording equipment and start a new project - a solo project where I'll be composing a doom/gloomy dark music. Of course not in nearest future, but not too distant maybe.

I start reading novels and collecting materials for my music project. Practicing and improving my skills in cello, violins and erhu every 6 pm. Acoustic dark music. Guitar is too mainstream for this but how about Spanish Guitar work? Sounds interesting.

Hypertension

Blood pressure - I can feel it increasing
Headache - breathless just because I eat something sweet
I guess my body cannot take it anymore
I'm aging - I'm mortal
Feel so weak - Helpless - Alone

But somewhere far
This loneliness has limits
I can feel her presence
My Beloved Diyana
She always be here with me in these voids
Loving me like a fallen angel and embrace me with the wind
And light
This soul and trust
Where kisses and warmth is dead
But Love is still here
Love is still there
The distance means nothing

Revolutionized Gabrielle delivers our voices
For every hour of moonlight and darkness
And the voices will halt
As demons awake before hours of dawn

Changes of Name

I think it's a need to change the name from Luke Stringthesizers to Lullaby of Poverty - resisting - music.

This is my fight against poverty
This round I lost
But I'll get up in no time

I have to quit the band, so I have no rights to bear the name since it's confusing.

Relieve

I have quit from my position as Stringthesizers' Vox

As I drive back to hostel,I sing the new unrecorded song "Di Sebalik Tirai Drama" out loud on my back and why suddenly feel so broke up

It's a mixed feelings, sad but somewhere deep inside I feel relieved..
And now it's time to settle down with another band - AfterLife
Planning to meet them this Saturday hopefully thing goes well
I'm going to end this in a good manner
No hatred please.

Knowing myself well, I won't be able to stop playing music
Let's see what happen then
I can't predict the future

Finally I have a chance to revive myself from my coffin of financial stressful needles
But to get up from the coffin I end up injuring my whole passion
Once I build up the life, I swear I'll go back and fight for my passion
For my music

For the time being, all the best to Stringthesizers and Afterlife
I will assist in term of ideas and new songs from far away place

"Jumpa lagi di masa akan datang"

Entry 30.9.2012

Rajin pulak aku update blog skrng nie.. Maybe sbb life dh terlalu bosan kot? Ntah lah wei..

Rabu nie ada interview utk kerja baru, hopefully bole la dpt basic rm 3k at least, tp x bole hrp sngt gak, sbb experience yg ada skrng x berbaloi utk dpt Rm 3k.. maybe more? ntah la.. kena fikir kluar dr kotak minda yg sedia ada kot baru bole success.. tp gaji bawah rm 3k mmng x mampu nak menyimpan.. suma harga mahal.. langkah2 nak cope is mcm hari ahad xyah kuar enjoy, memerap dlm bilik.. selamat duit tp selamat tinggal kehidupan.. harus lupakan naluri bosan buat sementara.. hahahaha
skrng mcm sudah hampir gila..

Tekanan hidup makin meningkat

Umur dh nak masuk 30, still x kukuh lagi kewangan, nak kumpul duit pon gagal.. skrng terpaksa tinggalkan muzik kejap, sbb nak kumpul duit utk sara adik2, n kahwin? haha.. ssh tu..

Zaman skrng ada ijazah pon x menjamin masa depan lagi.. lebih kepada pembuangan masa? Ilmu yg dapat pon x dpt tambah value utk dpt kerja lagi bagus.. rugi masa muda aku je masuk Universiti..

Living alone jauh dr famili mmng bnyk kekuatan diperlukan n financial kena tough.. Biar aku kirim duit ke famili, bukan famili kirim duit kat aku.. itu satu perjuangan aku kat cne.. sbb itu kepada bakal majikan: Boleh x bagi aku gaji rm 3k n ke atas? Don't worry, aku x guna duit itu untuk enjoy pon.. aku bnyk tnggungjawab dh.. Enjoy tu utk budak2 kaya.. org miskin mcm aku mana layak enjoy.. Bermimpi bole la.. Kena tukar impian dr jd pemuzik ke impian jd org kaya supaya bole tolong org2 yg aku sayang

Kepada gf, sorry to make u wait.. i wish i can marry u n we live together.. tp Life is so cruel.. Adat dh la menyusahkan.. agama ntah la, macam topeng je dh.. Masyarakat kt nie sakit tenat.. x dpt ubat.. How I wish I was rich so that I can marry you darling, Raise a kid tgether.. build a happy family.. But selaku org miskin, aku hanya mampu bermimpi

Kepada org yg baca, terbaca post ini, kalo rasa annoying, sorry la.. maybe suma akan panggil aku losers sbb entry nie, tp aku x peduli.. Tulis suma tekanan hidup aku kat cne menenangkan jiwa aku.. haha

kalo dulu slalu gak aku berdoa, tp aku gagal untuk merasa kehadiran Tuhan, jd aku berhenti berdoa n lebihkan berusaha.. Aku hidup SEORANG DIRI.. kalo sakit kena hantar diri sendiri g hospital jd kena make sure tiada masalah mcm tu jd.. Kena jg diri sendiri.. Planning 5 steps ahead before doing something

Skrng nie aku harus kuburkan hasrat utk jd pemuzik, multi talented bole main macam2 alat muzik tp bakat tu x bole bg aku duit utk hidup.. utk trus hidup, harus tinggalkan impian aku.. What left of me? aku pon x tau sbb kenapa aku nak trus hidup.. utk Diyana n my Family.. the only thing left for me now.. The reasons for me to live is u, Diyana & My Family.. Love U so much..

Kini badan dh kurang sehat, tekanan darah pun dh tinggi.. risiko utk dpt sakit jantung dh ada.. Doktor pun dh warning.. tp life aku mmng terok kot.. nak jg makanan pon payah.. duit x cukup utk create gaya hidup yg sehat.. haha.. Apa pon x bole bila duit x ada..

Kecewa sngt2 dngn hidup

2012 dan seterus nya...

Lama dh x update blog

Malas, malas, malas dan dh terbukti dngn saiz baju yang dh 'mengecil'
Hahaha

2012 adalah tahun yang agak teruk bagi aku, dah bulan 9 dh
Hopefully nasib akan jadi lebih baik hujung tahun nie

Kehidupan selaku jurutera tapak yang agak bosan dengan gaji yang ciput, terima kasih kepada pengarah syarikat sebab kurung aku dalam penjara kemiskinan. Serius, aku tak bangga langsung dengan ijazah dan karier aku selaku JURUTERA AWAM. Sebab simple je, gaji x setimpal dengan susah payah aku study dulu... Bersyukur gak la sbb dpt kerja dapat makan minum, tmpt tinggal walaupun standard GENERAL WORKER je..

Bila gaji dh ciput, efek kat band2 aku, family aku, gf aku?

Nak rekod, nak perform bersepah mmng dh x dpt sngt la, suma pon nak free, dpt show berbayar tu mmng Once in a Blue Moon punya level dh, nak bertahan tu aku bkn anak org kaya,

Untuk next month, aku dh x dpt nak jam jauh2 dah.. Sorry STS, n AfterLife
Aku dh cecah limit aku dh.. Financial mmng dh x mengizinkan
Aku nak kena tanggung adik2 aku dh skrng.. dulu aku boleh abaikan je, teruk btol
mcm Tanggang dh.. aku nak REDEFINE life aku skali lagi

WITHOUT MONEY, YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS TO ENJOY LIVING AS A PERSON

Lepas nie mmng jd robot daa, hobi2 letak tepi sbb dh xde bajet
Duit cukup2 utk survival diri je (lepas tolak responsibility bill)

For those yang baca post nie, terima kasih
TERUSKAN HIDUP ANDA YEAH!!