Between Talent and Reality

Yesterday I've just got back from interview for the site engineer post at Keller(M). Very interesting job. Great salary as well. Unfortunately, my passion is not there. Not in the engineering world. It's written all over my face. I think the interviewer also can see it. I wish I can pull out that face again - hypocrisy. I'm used to it before, showing my willingness to work as an engineer. Even the passion, I fake it well. But this time, I've failed.

Now I'm waiting for miracles. Hopefully I can get that job. But the reality always slap me from the dream.

"MUSIC CAN'T MAKE MONEY NO MATTER HOW TALENTED I AM AND TO LIVE WE NEED MONEY."

I don't have the network. To rebuild them from nothing takes time and I'm running out of time. I don't have enough money to support me as a musician if I quit my current job as a site engineer. To continue my work as a site engineer, I must swallow this fact:

"BEING A SITE ENGINEER MEANS YOU WILL NOT STAY AT ONE PLACE FOR A LONG TIME"

If I can't stay at one place for a long time that means I can't join a music band seriously. Musician and Site Engineer. These two jobs contradict so much I want to cry.

I guess I have to choose again. Goodbye my musical career. I have to choose engineering field again. I've never lived my Heaven and it will never be real.
I can play any instruments? Fuck that. It won't help me to survive in this cruel world. Fuck that fact. So fucked up.

Ballad - Erhu.avi

Irreligious

I believe in God.
But I don't love Him.
I do respect Him as the creator of the universe.
But unfortunately, I can't make myself love God.
I'm not grateful. Say it which ever way you think necessary.
Describe me in whatever you see fit.
Blasphemous?
The unforgiven?
The sinner?
Kafir, kufur..
Fuck it.

I'm deist. I don't hate God. Allah is al-Mighty. Jesus Christ exist. Muhammad is Allah's messenger.
I accept that fact.
God gives me opportunity to live in this world, to taste with tongue, to see with eyes, to breathe the air.. but it's that an option?

We can't choose to not breathe because God has made us that way
We can't choose to not see through our eyes because God has made us that way
We can't choose to not walk on God's earth, because God has made us that way
Be grateful?
I don't have an option there.
How can I be thankful?

I went to religious talk held by my company. The speaker talk about we need to put Heaven as our target. During fasting month we need to put collecting pahala as much as we can as our target. So that we can enter the Heaven. Fuck that.
If there is no heaven will you be able to make good things? If everyone is destined to enter Hell, will they be able to do good things? Fuck that. I hate that shit.
I don't need Heaven to do good things.
I don't need pahala to motivate me to do good deeds.
What I know is I want to make everyone around me happy with me. I help you and in return, all you need to do is just be happy and smile. Show me that you are comfortable. Be honest to yourself. If killing me makes you happy, go ahead. Kill me. Just be happy and let me know it. I'm satisfied with that kind of life already.

Musician

Hello,

The purpose of this blog is simply to describe my life as a Luke of Stringthesizers, not as Lukas Baal Belial of HALUN. They are two different characters, musically. I can sing about love and use my original voice in Stringthesizers, but not in HALUN. I can use falsetto in Stringthesizers but not in HALUN. I can shriek in both bands and to me it's fun. Haha. I love both bands, as they both shows me how to use my musical ability to its limit. Stringthesizers will put me always on the edge of my voice key register, sometimes beyond. But I love it.

I won't put a boundary to my own music. Because that's my life. And my life is music.